By Behcet Bicakci,(DipLC) Life Coach
You might have been dating for a while, but still, none of them has ended up with a long-lasting relationship. You are in a relationship or marriage but not happy and considering ending it up and get back to the single market again.
You have heard lots of bad things about dating on news and social media. Now you might think dating is uncomfortable and tiring. Or It is dangerous. Or, It is a waste of time. Or, all the good ones are taken anyway. If you have this mindset, you might rethink dating. Dating is about the faith of believing there is someone out there for you and knowing to help him/her finding you. Dating is not about him or her, and it is not about amusing, entertaining or impressing potential partner, but it is all about you. Where you like to go, what you want to do, why you are attractive and desirable, what you want to achieve in life and where you want to be in the future.
There are hundreds of reasons why a relationship does not work. However, and most importantly, do you take responsibility for your wrongdoings and playing your part for a meaningful and long term relationship or a marriage? You or your belief system might be the cause of your unhappiness and endless single life.
You must accept wrongdoings if you have done any so you can move on. As long as you blame others for failed dates and relationships, you will get nowhere other than being a permanent member of the singles market. You need to recheck your belief system, thoughts and feelings about a meaningful relationship. You need to accept what you have done wrong and promise yourself you will not do it again. This will help you to feel relieved and increase your self-confidence to meet the right person.
Controlling, Defensive and Intimacy
You might probably think there is not a right man or a woman out there for you after all. Or in your previous relationship (s), you might have been hurt, and you don’t want to be hurt again. You prefer having physical intimate rather than emotional vulnerability. You might not have been on dates for a long time and think there are no men for you. However, you might have focused on a man or a woman who shows little interest, and you are missing other suitor’s attention, therefore, missing potential dates. You might have been avoiding eye contacts with a potential suitor or before a guy has a chance asking for your number you run off. These are all examples of being defensive and protecting yourself by controlling.
Also, you might start relationships, but they end up after a few weeks or a few months because you try to control your partner. For example, one of my relationships, when I was out with my friends or attending social events without my partner, she would always ask who I was with, how long I had known them, their names, where they were from if any of them were women and beautiful etc. She would sometimes ask me to take pictures whereabouts I was or who I was with. Instead, she tried to control me, she could give me enough space so I could enjoy my life when I wasn’t with her. At the end of the day, all of us has the right to enjoy our lives when we are not with our partners. Because of her controlling behaviours, I had to end up our relationship after a few months.
Men, as well as women, can control partners in the relationship, and no meaningful relationship can survive under the stress of controlling. No matter how you try to control, it will always lead exhaustion and loneliness instead of romance, love, tenderness and happiness. Control is the enemy of intimacy.
A masculine persona, for a woman, can be useful, especially at the workplace where toughness and forcefulness needs for the job get done. Also, there is no harm being independent with friends and in the community and drawing a strong and independent woman picture.
However, when it comes to a relationship, it is different. For example, telling potential suitors; ‘I can look after myself,’ or ‘I don’t need anybody to take care of me,’ or ‘I am happy my own,’ or ‘I can handle this etc.’ will not help a single lady to have a long term relationship or a marriage because these kinds of statements give ‘ go away’ messages. Because of this reason, potential suitors will not approach you.
If you want a long term relationship or marriage, it is better to be compatible with a man rather than a competitor. When it comes to romance and relationship, women should be more feminine, soft, tender, vulnerable rather than trying to be tough and independent. Being a woman with a feminine mind, body and spirit will attract the right man because men don’t like their partner look like them, think like them and compete with them. When it comes to a relationship, women should play her role, so do men.
A lady would say: ‘ I would rather have two broken arms and two broken legs than have a broken heart again.’ This is a typical example of vulnerability after most women experience a bad relationship or marriage. They would try to control and being defensive to protect themselves so they would not have heartache again. However, there is no guarantee that you will never have heartache again. Women who try to protect themselves with control most likely end up with disappointments. In reality, vulnerability is a good thing. The author of The Surrendered Single, Laura Doyle states ” vulnerability makes women approachable and attractive…it is unspoken compliment says, I trust you to be gentle when I put down my armour, I feel safe with you”. The right men will not use your vulnerability against you but instead understand the honour you give him, and he will show his empathy and compassion towards your vulnerability. However, if you keep your defences and try to control the process of dating and relationship, others cannot see the real of you and love you.
As a life coach, I always advise checking your belief system, thoughts and behaviours towards dates and relationships. If you keep failing, it might be you that doing wrong. If you can accept wrongdoings and change your mindset for the better, you will find happiness. You can educate yourself by reading, listening and watching programs about how to improve your self-esteem and better relationships. And if you are not able to do it by yourself, you (men or women) can always get help from a life coach, relationship coach or a therapist.