By Behcet Bicakci,(DipLC) Life Coach

There are many people have been single for a long time, not having a long-lasting relationship, not being able to get settled and having a family while other family members and friends are settled and having kids etc. Although we are not happy being single for a long time or not able to have a long-last relationship, most of us do not make an effort to look for reasons.

As a life coach, in this blog (Part 1), I would like to discuss what we are doing wrong and ending up being single or not be able to have a durable relationship and some practical ideas on how to fix it.

Love is unpredictable

One of the main reasons we are single because we try to control the love and make it predictable. Recently I saw one of my follower’s post on Instagram. She was stating that: her man should be Christian, non-American, speak three languages, a dancer etc. When we have a checklist in our mind, we try to control whom we should fall in love. However, chemistry and mystery of love are unpredictable. Therefore we cannot control how, where, when and even whom we can fall in love. 

Every story of how couples first met is different, and they didn’t expect to meet their partners then and there, at a workplace or social event, via a dating app or through a friend. Hence, the right person can be anywhere as long as we can attract him/her and be approachable at the time. For example, I met one of my ex-partner at the workplace, and we started to date, which led to a long term relationship. I met another my ex-partner on holiday and another one through a dating app. Therefore we may meet the right person anytime, anywhere as long as we are open enough. 

Throw away the checklist

Having a checklist of parents’ approval and friends likes will not lead you to find the right person you can be happy with or a healthy relationship. Because these are your parents and friends demands and expectations but not your desire. 

Also, publications, stories of bad experiences on TV, newspapers, magazines, social media etc. can manipulate and provide misguided information about potential suitors. This untrue information can cloud our view on a particular gender, social group, religion, race and origin of people. For instance, one of my partner’s parents were strongly against our relationship because I wasn’t belonging to their race and not following their religion. Because of her parents’ view, my partner would tell me that she would never imagine to date or have a relationship with a non-Christian or a black guy. However, after we dated and started a relationship, it was she that wanted to get married and settled with me. We didn’t get married because of our personal differences and view of life but nothing to do with our race or belief. 

Trying to find a man or a woman who can tick all checklist boxes is controlling. You are trying to decide who should approach you. Trying to control potential suitors by comparing them to a checklist guarantees you will end up empty-handed. 

Limiting ourselves with a certain race, religion, language, finance, colour, age etc. will not help us to find the right person but prevent us from finding one. Since love is unpredictable and we don’t know where and who we are going to be happy with, it is vital we chek our view of the right person and optimise our thinking and belief system for the right person so he/she can appear in our life. 

Finally, if you believe you are doing something wrong and not be able to fix it when it comes to a long-lasting relationship, or your mind has been clouded by family and friends and not able to make a decision on where to start for a meaningful relationship, you always can get help. You can have self-help by educating yourself; reading, listening and watching programs about relationships. Or alternatively, you might communicate with a life coach or a relationship coach who might be able to give you some practical guidance which might change your life forever. If you don’t seek for help, you won’t get it.

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